FAQ's

Charges
£45.00 per hour is the standard charge and this covers the cost of providing a Relate trained counsellor and does not make a profit. If however you are recieving state benefits this may be reduced (proof may be requested). There is no charge for our Time For You youth counselling service
Reschedule or cancel appointment
If you wish to reschedule or cancel an appointment you need to contact us at least 24 hours in advance of the appointment or as soon as possible.If you have paid for your appointment and notice has been given,we can transfer the balance to your next appointment
What happens at a counselling session?
At your first session a counsellor will talk with you for up to one hour. Some people find this session is all they need and no further counselling is necessary. You and your counsellor will talk through how Relate might be able to help and, if appropriate, your counsellor will recommend a Relate counselling service, Relate sex therapy or another service. If your counsellor doesn't think we are best placed to help, they may suggest another organisation.
How can counselling help me?
Counselling helps you take time out from your situation and see it from a fresh perspective. Working with a counsellor gives you, or you and your partner/family, a chance to think about what you can do to change your situation for the better. It can also give you a chance to explore complex or difficult issues in a safe and confidential environment.
How do I make an appointment to talk to a Relate counsellor?
Choose from our contact details which option best suits you.
Do I have to be referred to Relate?
No. Many organisations and GPs do refer people to Relate but you can contact Relate directly if you would like to talk about anything to do with relationships.
Can I come on my own?
Yes. Whether you are single, or if you have a partner who doesn't want to come or you simply want to discuss things alone you are welcome to bring any aspect of your current, past or future relationships to Relate by yourself.
Is Relate relationship counselling confidential?
Relate counselling is completely confidential. We will not give your name or any information about you to anyone outside Relate, unless someone's personal safety is at risk.
Do Relate counsellors have special training?
Relate counsellors have all received special training in couple counselling and various counselling subjects. It takes two to three years to become a fully qualified Relate counsellor. They undergo further training to specialise in areas such as family counselling and sex therapy.We may talk to you about seeing a 'counsellor-in-training'. Counsellors-in-training' have gone through a rigorous selection and training process and will be receiving close professional support. All counsellors continue with ongoing training and consultation with other professional to ensure they give you the highest standard of counselling.
What happens if I have a complaint?
Relate always welcomes feedback and is keen to improve its services. We have a complaints procedure which aims to make the process straightforward and fair. Should you wish to make a complaint, in the first instance, please raise it with the manager.Your complaint or concerns will be investigated and you will receive a reply within four weeks. If you wish to take your complaint further after receiving your reply please contact the centre.
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Common Problems
I love my partner but am have trouble getting on with my step-children

The variety and complexity of family life today means that new skills are having to be learnt all the time. Step-parenting is one of those new skills. In this situation it's not only your feelings that have to be taken into account, but those of your partner and the children. You need your partner's support and understanding, and together you should agree guidelines on how to treat the children. Some of the areas that you should agree on are discipline, privacy (for all of you) and arrangements with the absent parent.

The children also need to know where they stand and what role their step-parent plays in their lives. There may be some resentment on their part and it could take them some time to come to terms with the new arrangements. This is a new relationship for all of you and if you don't have children of your own, a ready-made, part-time family will be difficult to deal with until new routines are established.

Relate counsellors are given special training to help you in this area and have links to other helpful organisations. A Relate book that can help is Relate Guide To Step Families by Suzie Hayman

If as a new family you really are not all getting on family counselling can help.
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My partner and I are separating. I'm worried that our kids are going to suffer. I want to sort things out with my partner so at least, we can carry on being good parents.

Relate knows how concerned separating parents can be about their kids' feelings. It is a tricky time when the family changes its form but with some thought and planning, the effect on the children can be reduced. This might sound impossible, especially if you are in the middle of an emotional upheaval, but help is available. You will be given age-related information and advice about what and when to tell the children. Hand-outs are also provided which can help the children to express their feelings and ask questions. Research has been carried out into the factors connected with reducing stress for children at the time of divorce. These tips might help you:
- Children will be better able to cope if their parents can be seen to share the responsibility for their welfare. So, telling them together about when and what is going to happen, will show to them that you can still be Mum and Dad even though you are not together as a couple any more.
- Whilst you want to be open and honest with the children, try to keep in mind what they can cope with at their different ages. They do not need to know every single detail about what has gone wrong, nor should they be involved in any conflict between you and your partner.
- Try to keep as normal a routine as possible going. When the routine has to change, introduce the changes as slowly as you can and talk them through with the children.
- Remind them that you will always be their parents even though you may not wish to be a couple any longer AND reassure them, that it is not their fault that you have decided to divorce - this is between the two of you.
- Do everything you can to help yourselves adjust to your new situation especially, if you are the parent with residence.
- Reassure them that you have decided to separate from each other but not from them; you are still their parents. Do not put them in a position where they have to choose between you.
Children's reactions- The way a child responds to the new situation will vary according to his or her age, gender and personality type, some ways of coping are obvious, others less so. Here are a few signs to give you an idea.
- Changes in the way they are at school - a teacher may be concerned and let you know about these.
- Younger children may regress - sleeplessness may be a problem and bed wetting too.
- Depression and sadness. Older children seem to be coping well but may very well be concealing their true feelings as they want to protect their parents.
- A child may change role and become a brother or sister to the parent.
- Adolescents may rebel in a worrying way, which gives cause for concern.
The fact that you have read all this, indicates that you are a parent who really wants to do the best for your kids. Don't forget that there is plenty of help to get you and the children through this difficult time. There are many parents in a similar position, so if you think it would be useful, make contact with other divorced parents whose experiences might reassure you. Contact us for a list of groups and resources in the area.
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All our children have left home and my partner and I don't seem to have anything to talk about

When the last child leaves home it sometimes feel as if you are waking up next to a stranger rather than your husband, wife or partner. This can be caused by years of concentrating on what the family has needed, leaving little space or time for the two of you as a couple. The problem can be especially acute if your family has been the chief focus of your attention so that their leaving creates a gap in your life.

Some new research has recently found that many couples feel the empty nest syndrome is not as bad as it is made out to be. After an initial bumpy year or so, many couples report rediscovering life after parenting as a time of creativity and renewed pleasure in each other's company.

But if you feel you've lost touch with your partner, here's some ideas to help you cope with this phase of your relationship:

First and foremost, tell your partner how you feel. Soldiering on when you are feeling miserable without the children around prevents your partner from offering the comfort you crave.

If you are not sure you know who your partner is anymore, try a light-hearted personal quiz to help break the ice. For example, ask them:
- What is your favourite meal? Why?
- What film have you most enjoyed in the last five years?
- What music would you take to a desert island? Why?
- What colour would you choose for a coat/scarf/hat etc?
- Name two favourite TV programmes.
- If you could learn a new talent, what would it be? Why?
- What was your favourite read in the last five years?
Think up your own questions based on your relationship. The object of this is not to demand answers but to get you chatting about what may have changed in the last few years. You may be surprised at the answers. Use the opportunity to share your own feelings and thoughts.
- Think of a leisure pursuit you enjoyed when you first got together. For example, did you like motorcycling, dancing or backpacking? Now think of a way you could relive this. OK, you may not want to hike around India anymore, but maybe you could enjoy walking together in your local area or watching motorcycle racing, for example.
- Do some things you have always wanted to but lacked the time or money for while the children were growing up. For instance, think about what kind of holidays you might have now or how you might spend an evening out. Consider doing something just for the fun of it. For example, ride a roller coaster or go bowling.
- With no children in the house, sex can be more spontaneous and interesting. Invest in a good, basic sex book and follow some of the ideas in it. Put whole evenings aside for love making and enjoy the journey as much as reaching the destination.
  Congratulate yourselves on arriving at this stage of your lives together. Many couples don't get this far so be proud that you made it through babyhood, toddlers and the terrible teens in one piece. Take a little time to reconnect and your relationship will grow in strength.
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My partner and I just don’t seem to talk any more – it feels as if we’ve drifted apart

Communication is at the heart of all relationships. Many couples coming to Relate say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they’ve decided to seek counselling. Most couples, after they have had some Relate counselling, report that communication between them has improved.

But what exactly is communication?Communication can be described as ‘the way we connect to other people’. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

It is in fact a very complicated process which most of us never deliberately learn – we just do it. The way we communicate or connect with others, can have a major impact on our lives and that’s why Relate thinks it is so important, not only in couple relationships but in ALL our other relationships too.

What is good communication?

Good communication can be described as a dance between two people. There’s a place for you to dance together, the music sets the scene, you both sense the rhythm, take it in turns ‘to do your thing’, follow or take the lead, you do it together, it gives you both pleasure and has a purpose. If you are reasonably good at it, it should be a satisfying experience.

Maybe, we wouldn’t all feel the same about this dance. Perhaps the setting is wrong, it’s not your kind of music, you’ve never really liked making an exhibition of yourself dancing, etc. However, if you can hang on to the idea of making the time, creating the right environment, sharing the experience, balancing the inputs, and moving together whilst doing different things, this could be a useful way of looking at the way you and your partner communicate.

How do I know if I’m a good communicator?
- You could ask a friend to tell you how they find conversations with you.
- Are you a good listener? Do you wait until the other person has finished what they’ve got to say before you chime in? Do you acknowledge what they have said?
- Do you find it important to make time to have a conversation?
- Do you make sure you understand fully what has been said? Do you check out what you think you’ve heard with the person speaking?
- Does your own view of the subject colour what has been said to you?
- Do you relay your story in an interesting and informative way, sharing your feelings about the topic, or do you just give the bare facts?
- Can you stay with what the other person is saying to you without interrupting, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?
These questions may help you to get an idea of how you communicate.

How can I improve communication with my partner?
- Set aside time to talk when you will not be interrupted.
- Take it in turns to have air time – some people find setting a timer for five minutes , one speaking whilst the other listens, then reversing the process, can create a space for each to talk without interruption.
- Tell your partner how you felt, feel or will be feeling about something without blaming them. This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings.
- Plan to go together somewhere which provides an environment you both find relaxing e.g. a walk in the park, a drink at a pub or a coffee when you’re shopping etc.
Don’t be surprised if there isn’t an improvement straight away – you wouldn’t expect to dance the salsa after only one attempt would you?

If you think you need to improve your conversations, these tips might be useful. If you’re still having problems communicating as a couple, then do go to Relate where you can find support in learning to talk to each other in a more relaxed, effective, way.

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We can't stop arguing

Although they can be painful and unpleasant arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. But disagreements don’t have to end in hostile silence or a screaming match. Learning ways of handling discussions on emotive topics and looking out for the patterns and triggers in your arguments can really help you improve the situation.

Find out why you argue

Think about what you’'re really arguing about. On the surface it could be about money, sex, housework, disciplining children or other family matters. But question what you are really arguing about?

In the book Stop Arguing Start Talking author Susan Quilliam compares an argument to an onion; the outer layer is the issue you are actually talking about, deeper layers represent other areas, and understanding these can help you work out why rows sometimes escalate out of all proportion to the original problem. Book available -

It might help you to think about your physical feelings, stress or tiredness can intensify a fight. Or think about how other people’s input might fuel your anger.

When you can’t stop arguing

If your conflict is rooted in intractable problems, it may be hard, or even impossible, to alter the pattern. If you recognise any of these factors, you need to find support and help, whether from friends, family or getting in touch with Relate.
- Your lives are moving in totally different directions.
- Alcoholism, drug addiction or other problems feature in your relationship.
- One of you is having an affair.
- One of you no longer loves the other, or has actually decided to leave.
One of the most serious outcomes of arguing is when a couple comes to blows or one partner physically attacks another. If physical violence is a feature of your relationship, you need to seek help urgently.

The WDVSS Warwickshire Domestic Violence Support Services can be contacted on 01788 537112 at 37a Regent Street, Rugby.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - 24 HOUR HELP LINE 0800 783 8043

The BBC Hitting Home website has information, help and support for anyone affected by domestic violence.

How you argue

There are as many ways of having an argument as there are couples who argue. Some common and highly destructive patterns are:
- Stonewalling: total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. Partner feels unvalued and unheard.
- Criticism: Commenting negatively on the other’s behaviour, over and above the current problem. ‘You’re always so forgetful.’ Partner feels attacked and threatened.
- Contempt: Sneering, belligerence or sarcasm. ‘You think you’re so clever.’ Partner feels humiliated and belittled.
- Defensiveness: Aggressively defending and justifying self to partner. ‘You haven’t got a clue just how much I have to remember every day.’ Partner feels attacked. Row escalates.
Changing the way you tackle rows

Think about the ways you and your partner argue, then think about how you would like to change these. Notice how easily you slip into familiar routines of arguing, almost without thinking. Talk this over with your partner if you can, but if that feels too difficult, go ahead and start changing away. Your partner’s reactions will alter in response to yours.

Aim for a ‘win-win’ style of disagreeing, where no one feels they’ve lost. This will let both partners:
- outline their own needs
- listen to each other’s needs
- talk flexibly about solutions that give each of them enough of what they want.
Six steps to handling arguments constructively
- If you want to raise a tricky topic with your partner, start the discussion amicably. Don’t go in with all guns firing, or with a sarcastic or critical comment. For instance, in the example of overspending, say, ‘Can we talk about the credit card bill - we need to work out a spending limit that suits us both’, not, ‘I’'m furious about that bill – why do you go over the top every time?’
- Try to understand your partner’s reactions, and remember that you are not just arguing about the ‘surface’ problem. If your partner says, ‘Just let me take care of the money, will you’, remember that perhaps in their childhood their role model controlled all household affairs. It will need careful and sensitive negotiation, over a period of time, to alter this pattern of expectations.
- Respect your partner’s views, even if you are annoyed. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not a child!’ try, ‘I know it’s important to you to feel able to spend as and when you like, but I need to have a say in how our money is used, too’.
- Take responsibility for your own emotions. Why you are so upset? Has something from the past been stirred up by this latest row? Do you fear loss o